COME WAT MAY

9th Feb 2006~ "20 Dec 04 was my last update. Before this page is declared dead,I think it’s only apt that it’s updated on the same day,same date.Lots of things have happened in between,but currently on my mind,it’s the demise of our friend and brother on Feb 9 06,affectionately known as Eem.Here’s a peek into his life." ~Zam

I’m celebrating my 28th Birthday 2mrrow Insya’allah. Ramadhan 1428 hijrah starts after Maghrib soon after…

Sometimes in the midst of life’s turmoils we just fail to see the blessings bestowed, n how some things better r coming ur way…. if only u see the light n persevere.

(",) , Some memories we keep with us for a lifetime.

Alhamdulillah, Insya’allah. I’m given the chance for another Ramadhan…. C u guys when we i get ere eventually…

Nun, Antal hayati wa ruuh. Waa thaaemin ya min; habibty ya nurul ainy ya sakin khayalii……..

Hasmuraizah

Memories…What constitutes…??? The very essence…The affordances of existance…

I looked into our picture, the Dec ‘04 Aidilfitri pic taken together…hahaha everything seemed soo surreal then.Naquib, Eem, Zam, Me n the rest of us JI’ians…all going on well with our lives and plans then, those childhood dreams….

We practically spent our lives together, week in week out doing all sorts of incessant stuffs. U name it: moronic, childish…what ever!!! Hahaha (",). Those were wonderful times spent with a band o brothers…forged from our Pre-U days.

Lots have happened since then, Relationships turned sour (hey, they come n go Bro hahahaha) Relapses…n partings. But what those times since Dec ‘04 gave us was also a feeling of mythril bond which cemeents our already close ties together. It’s soo weird how adversity brings people more closer together.

Its kinda weird…when Eem died Zam n i helped out in his last rites, Zam being one of three in the liang lahat n me helping w the mandi jenazah. U know, i guess back then among al of us, Zam was e most affected by Eem’s death. We all knew Eem was e one confidante he always pours out when things were rough for him n his relation back then. It hit him e most….Eem’s death. Zamorano would stare into thin air, n lament…. Hahahahaha thank Allah for Mohd…n his wagon. Zamorano would always run at NUS w him. I still cant believe that fat ass would wear that tight dry fit Mohd’s sis got 4 him….

Man,  we knew Zam apreciated those late nights w Mohd after Eem died, not that we mind Naquib’s company…. e apple of our eyes…n topics of our conversations……… (",)…..

Zam compiled watever pics he could get of us, o Eem n e videos o us…alll those concerts…. of him to honour e memories we had, n as a reminder to us all of our bonds. Thick were they. Strong were the mast. N how Eem’s death brought us all more closer to 1 another n Eem’s family. How we all would never fail  to be by Eem’s side constantly in all those 6 weeks Eem was in Hospital n Hospice… each n every1 o us… It’s soo weird…………….

It’s soo weird, barely a year later e same situation arises, kinda like dejavu. But this time round its at Zam’s place, n its him… No more Me n Zam…. It was left to us. I cant describe e sheer irony o seeing a scene reversed: o Eem’s family consoling Zam’s mother…. of us again. But now, it was us without Zam….n e last rites was only me…………………………………………..

Again, Zamorano’s death brought us all more closer…..

Both Eem n Zam were exceptional people, gifted w e talents o wit n humour. Intelligent, thorough bred n obviously a plus point to our society of Malay /Muslims.

Some may see e deaths o our close frens, o our BlOODS as a heartbreaking n sad thing. I do not deny that, e void in all o us. But trully, wat people try to find in a lifetime, we band o Brothers have seen n found in e prime o our lives: that we can count on each other, Bloods through watever that comes our way: that e friendship we forged is true n our bonds rock steady. Not many could say so of their friends….. I’m glad we could. Their deaths is a testament to that……. that we were there till e end……….

Hahaha, no more witty humour from Zam, those picture edits from Eem…our constant jokes on Naquib…hahaha…….that Damm look on Zam’s face n his eyes  to me when i subsequently broke up w his ex-GF’s bestfren. That "I TOLD U SOO" look. Hahaha…

I’ve no idea if Zam told anyone abt his dream a few mths before he died. in Zam’s dream he n i saw Eem. Eem was looking at us. Eem just kept silent n turned back.. n he walked away. Zam called out ware was he going n tried to follow. He woke up rite after, crying n he smsed me. That was this year, before Amli’s wedding. Come to think abt it, Zam commented he thought he died then when he saw Eem…. Astagfirullah!!!!!!!!!

In life, both Eem n Zamorano…. e "Candy Mandys" thought us the value o friendship and loyalty: o being ere for 1 another be it good or bad, dumb hiccups w ingrates n girlfrens. In life, i’m glad we held true to our bonds that we forged as frens..Brothers. That in death, we sow the seeds of that friendship. Through thick or thin man. We held our own. I’m blessed to share memories w them… w all o us frens…..

This time round, its our responsibility now to carry on your last rites n stuffs. Its no longer your calling Bro. "The truth of life we all must find" Insya’allah…

My Brothers whom have been with me, with US through e Pre-U years n beyond. My classmate, buddy, fren, BLOODS……..Through Watever Ends, Our Words Ae Or Bonds………. In death, our dead Brothers Eem n Zam taught us that….

"As through life we journey on, JI spirit may we keep……….."

Mana Ku Cari Teman Setia, Dimana Dia…………

Dikala Tenang, Kala Gelora; Suka dan Duka……….

Sama Menangis, Tawa pun Rela.Selangkah Sejengkit, Setapak Selaksa,Memapah Melilit, Meredah Walaupun Langka.

Janji Dipegang, Kata Dikota, Ikrar Diangkat, Dijaga… Tanda Budi Yang Wibawa…Bukan Setia tidak Bermata…Hilang Haluan, Tiada Arah…Tergapai Merintis Terbujur….Dilamun Noda.

Walau Payah, Gundah, Meneroka Alam Indah yang Baru Merata…. Kaki Tetap Bertapak….Langit Dijunjung, Bumi masih Tetap yang Asal. Bertuah…Berpijak…. Terpacak Terpahat Kukuh. Bukan Rakus, Rapuh, Jenuh Bila mengetuk….Hah, Itukah Rencam Kita???

Masih Ku Mencari….Rindu Yang Dahaga……………..

I met my ‘Guru Silat’ juzzz now, it was not planned. I have never imagined or prepared mentally to see the physical condition of my Master…One whom has dilligently trained and brought me up with all the Knowledge he had painstakingly imparted to me…all this very years of my life. He was, a Mentor, Grandfather n Teacher to me then, as a young boy of 8 to what i am now…on my 27th year of existance.

What compelled me to this endeavour is the fact that though with his age n physical condition; coupled with the bureau n politics that has infested the ‘perguruan’ here as a whole thru the years (My Master is in his 80+) he still toils and devouts himself to his love for Silat n its cause. How he holds true to the very ‘Amanah’ (this is a very hard quality to find nowadays in S’pura) that was passed to him n e other 3 recognised ‘Gurus’ of his time. He is the last ‘Guru’ from that Generation to still practice n instill its teachings to others. Though i was a child for most of the years, being with the organisation for around 20 years and seeing the ups n downs, the people whom came to learn…n decided to leave n set up their own schools ( ere r a few of them, all prominent figures n masters of their own schools here in Singapore. I wont dwell into names, but i cant be fooled….i know e history n lived it. Anyways, i was a History student after all. Hehee)

Sometimes i do feel guilty and ashamed about myself; with regards to my lay off from Silat..my ‘Perguruan’. N upon hearing the updates from others n him personally, my shame becomes overwhelming. I know what services i rendered before, n what i could give now will never be sufficient to repay or even come close to the sacrifices made. How he would always buy me food n drinks before n after trainings at West Coast, e frequent stay-in at his house..hahaha, the constant haggling and irritating incessance of a child; complete with my GI hair cut n singlet. He was already close to 60 when i 1st became his student, n he was living off his pension. So imagine the $ spent on me…. I think back to all my Masters n trainers, some of them too old n senile to even remember… How they brought me up…

Among friends, i was synonymous with the word "violence". Haha, guess i was much of the physical joker type then..

Whatever it is, i am grateful i met my Master again. They are having a reunion 2mrrow. It is by Providence Divine that i met him, n he told me 2 come…

For all the sacrifices he has given, the mocus spittled through constant hagging/nagging/disciplining, the sweat spilled….the tears shed…the ‘uruts’ when i was injured…with his age n condition still. Thank You sooo much.

Fi Amanillah ya Habib. May Allah’s blessings be upon you….for all the children you have imparted knowledge..dengan izin Allah. "Selembut Umbut; Sekeras Kharsani"…

I remember a pantun…..e artistry of men of old;

pULAU pANDAN jAUH kETENGAH, gUNUNG dAIK bERCABANG tIGA;

hANCUR bADAN dIKANDUNG tANAH, bUDI yANG bAIK dIKENANG jUA.

Che Mat ‘Tarzan’…ANDAK NOH…Cik Yunos…

Syukran,….Hasmuraizah…

Life is such….. all things happen for a reason. How sharp it twists and turns, the ups and downs….. the elusive things in life and the deluded faith of some. Its just destiny’s way of putting across one’s star.

Life is such…..that in these past six months the oxymoron of life reveals itself….the passing of a Dear Friend, a Bro….and the celebration of life and Birth. Two ends of the spectrum; distinctly worlds apart in exultation but a reality of Life…..the inevitable…….

Life is such that in these troubled times one can trully see the value and worth of friendship…..the celebration of Matrimony and Birth……the "standing strongly together" to whatever ends that comes our way. The promises and bonds we vowed….and the promises kept, Even at the edge of doom. Standing together and staying strong by one’s side… In this times can we see the REAL value and Commaraderie in us. The ones whom stick by you…in times of laughter and grimm doom. The passing of Eem showed in us the true value of friendship and the ones whom are Trully there for one another. Be it rain or shine…night or day…working days or off. No reasons good enough for us to break our bonds and promises.

Life is such that people do things for one’s ends. How when you’re in the insecurities of life and going through a phase you look to others for Comfort…for Strength…for Support. And how once you get on your feet…firmly on the ground..new friends found…new things to discover…..One can soo easily discard and be soo Detached….Soo Cold. What is the value of Promises? Of one’s Words? Of Bond and Virtue?……..Of Staying?

Life is such, that " A Change in Lifestyle, A Change in Priorities" justifies’ one’s treatment of another….. It is never the Destination; But in Truth the Journey towards that end….how things was done and shown….how it was put across with such cold indifference….How distance changes people……

Life is Such that It is Through troubled times and choppy water God test’s our resolve and Faith. In this do we see the real value in US…..How you will face whatever that comes your way….With such Pragmatism and Faith…Hope..Iman and Takwa…….

It is soo very hard to pick yourself up time and time again… To see the Brightness of Light…..The Goodness in People…….

Come Wat May…..Through thick or Thin……My Life will always be filled with tests and tears…the harsh cold sadness that fills the Void in Me. It is through this I Pray to God to Give me the Strength and Faith to Carry on and continue giving My Sincerest and Purest to ALL…..But not the Strength through a Heart of Stone…..This i Hope in true Earnest.  To still have the Faith in people….to BELIEVE that the ones soo close and Dear to you…the years of friendship and bond…the memories penned together will not be sold soo cheaply once something better comes your Way…

To look back years down the Road…..That though how Sad, Charred, Traumatised or frowned upon I still gave my all with sincererity and purity. Then it would mean that i lived a Life worth Living, Bonds Worth Tying, Love Worth Sharing. If that is the Path Worth Giving….Then I would have Kept My Promises…and in that My Integrity….. Then i could consider My Life Fulfilled. And In Iman and Takwa i could fade away…..

17th June…For all the significance it holds Dear. The Memories. The hopes and Dreams lived and shattered…The MaNiS of it all…..and the aftertaste……Illusions which In Due time will show the True Worth of One’s Self…..

Toatie;

Mengapa Masih Belum Berakhir??? Walau Sudahpun Sekian Lama; Mulut Manis Hanya Dibibir…Dihati Tetap Sepahit Tuba.

Engkaulah Taulan Dimata Mereka, Tapi Bukan Dihati Kita. Ular Senduk Kepala Dua, Umpama Talam Dua Muka.

Pecah Ruyung Tempayan Ada, Tumbang Satu Tidak Mengapa; Kami Berpijak Dibumi Nyata… Bukan bawah Telunjuk Saudara.

MUSUH DALAM SELIMUT…GUNTING DALAM LIPATAN!!!

HasmuraizaH

It has been a roller coaster experience for me this past few months. Ironically, what was supposed to be a low point in my life turned out to be for the betterment of myself…..Not in the sense of drowning myself in self pity and reflection; but a self discovery of my inner intrinsic child. Never have i imagined the wealth of friends i have…..those whom have stood by me and the ones whom came back and found their way towards friendship. How adversity not only brings out the best in us and strengthens our resolve; But more importantly how it rekindled things that was lost in us…and our aura.

6 months back, i was in shatters: lost a part of me…had no direction, broken sense of purpose…nothing but a dream. My self-esteem was at an all time low. How people knitted tightly around me and became my shepard. My family, Swiss Buddies, JI’an Friends and every other person whom knew me came together…Just For Me!!! How that really touched my senses. The advise and support given…..

Thank you all….It was then that i was free from my own destructive ego…not wanting to pray because that was made as a comparison once, 4 years back. I still prayed…dont get me wrong but not with the conviction i used to have simply because i was affected by words!!! Can you believe that! How petty and childish!!! My sis in law told me to Sholat Istikharah…and practically everyone esle i know!!! I had no clue what sholat that was then!!! But i still did. It didn’t took me the full 7 nights of sholat to get what i wanted..just 2! N wat i experienced and felt was already to great to bear. I could’nt imagine how i could handle the "petunjuk" if i did all 7 nights. Alhamdullilah…Subahanallah. It’s true what was said by Rasullulah "Takkan kecewa mereka yang sholat Istikharah dan mengikut petunjuknya" to put it loosely.

Well now….i found myself!!! Bigger and Better. I still have the personality that was adamant once, before i embarked on my long relationship and let it slumber. I’m still as cheerful as ever, if not more jovial. The same zest, vigour and aggressiveness that many have come to associate me with. Making friends..and finding lost ones along the way. Conscience is clear…But best of all….I’ve found what was lost; My heart.

I have to admit, i’m no saint. HAFIZ Bukan, USTAZ Bukan, ALIM ULAMA pun bukan. But i’m glad i am a practising Muslim now; i am learning more as each day pass. And i did that because i want to. Not for some other reasons!!! I’m appreciating life again. I’m having fun discovering and rediscovering! Making loads of friends along the way. Oh yes, i got all that i asked for….i found my Heart once again. And how ironic it is. I found it in the most unfamiliar and unexpected  of Hearts!!! How things came together… Oh yes….never in my wildest dreams would i imagine that i would be given the honour of IQAMAT in a Mosque!!! Even though it was 1 or 2 saf, it was still a spiritual experience for me deemed neva possible. It was out of the blue, didn’t knew the Imam at all!!! Syukur Nikmah.

Jurong Institute had a homecoming for X-JI’ans last 28th October. Keris Pusaka put up a performance. Friends came, against all obstacles and we banded together to perform. Haslan, Zam, Fazril, Penyu, Saipul, Amli, A.J, Wan Carlos, Yuhan, Elvan. Comat and Amin could’nt make it that day. We also had help from friends: Syuhada, Mai, Su, Adam, Feisal, Ebon.

It has really been a kaleidoscope of experience for me since 3rd May. And i am forever thankful that i found my way back. Tomorrow’s Aidilfitri…and this year’s Ramadhan has been the most meaningful and gained ever. I pray it wont be the last and it will always be meaningful and better than the last for my friends and myself. I remember Rani’s qoute from the Qu’ran: "Allah tidak membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya…"           (Al Baqarah : Ayat 286). I have remembered that eversince. And hope that it would bring Rahmah and benefit to us all, Insyaallah.

Hasbiyallahu……………….Allaahu Akhbar(x3) Walillaahilhamd.

( Whatever it is; it made us found back our Hearts and rekindled a rocksteady Love we had for 1 another….hush hush 4 all these years. We’ll find our way together…lest we stray from our Hearts. Ikan Dilaut Asam Didarat; kalau dah ketentuanNya jumpa Juga Dalam Kuali Geng!!!)     (",).